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The NIPT/NIPS test came back low risk. A simple blood test confirmed what IVF genetic testing had told us – that our baby (who we have nicknamed Poppy whilst he or she is in me) does not have a chromosome condition.

Poppy is healthy, at least for now.

I can’t even begin to express our relief. I shook as I took the call and burst into tears with the news. But we still have hurdles to jump. We still don’t feel safe. NIPT is just a screening test, not diagnostic, and it also can’t look for SMA.

So at around 17 weeks we have an amniocentesis which will diagnostically tell us if Poppy is healthy. But it is so hard even just to make the decision of whether to have the amnio or not. We feel we need it and it is definitely something supported by the medical professionals but it comes with a risk. One in two hundred can have negative affects on the baby but then again it depends on who does the amnio and I know we are going to the best in the business. The decision was hard but we needed the answer.

Monday 19 October 2020 is our amniocentesis for Poppy. We are nervous, scared, hopeful. We don’t want to do it, who wants to do an amnio? Who wants to add a risk to their the child they have fought for so desperately? But we need to know Pops is healthy. We need a diagnostic test. We can’t spend the rest of the pregnancy and the first part of his life scared, second guessing every move he makes. We also can’t have another child with SMA. I don’t know if mentally we could love through that again.

Throughout the week we wait anxiously for the call on the results… Once again we wait for someone else to tell us our future. There will likely be two calls over the space of a week. The first will tell us the chromosomes, the second will tell us SMA.

The emotions are even more heightened because on Thursday 22 October 2020 it is the anniversary of Mackenzie’s death. It will three years without her. I don’t know if it feels like three years. We will do our best to acknowledge the day and celebrate our baby while we wait on the results of the baby I will carry.

It turned out we were waiting on three calls. Three anxious, stressful and heart pounding calls. But finally the final call came in.

Our baby is healthy.

Four years of sadness, pain and torture. Four years of loss and I am finally pregnant with a healthy baby.

I can’t even put my emotions into words. So I won’t.

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