Pregnancy after child loss is hard.
For both the Mum and Dad.
So many moments are bitter sweet.
For those who haven’t experienced it, there is nothing simple about it. People saying ‘relax, all will be fine, just enjoy it’ have no idea.
Seeing those two lines of a test, hearing the heartbeat and watching yourself grow is magical but it doesn’t come with ease.
At times I have found myself torn. Feeling conflicting emotions at one time. Luckily, overall I have spent most of my time being thankful grateful and so very in love. It has been my life’s goal for four years. Something my dreams, my days, my actions, my energy and my emotions have all led towards. My every thought.
But alongside my happiness has been anxiety, guilt and fear. Wondering if everything will be ripped away from me like every other time. I know this is no way to live but the fear is so ingrained in me I cannot just simply ‘stop’.
Every scan caused stress. Every doctors appointment I held my breath until I saw him on screen.
Then there are milestones in preparation for the birth – changing Mackenzie’s car seat to the newborn height. Packing her clothes away to make way for his. It is all so hard but so exciting.
I have been kind and allowed myself to be excited and happy when I can but it isn’t always possible, fear overtakes.
The Dad’s struggle too. I know Jonny has felt disconnected during this pregnancy, feeling this happiness won’t last. As for the birth he is terrified.
But now that the birth is here I want to say how proud I am of myself, of Jonny and of every single parent out there who has been brave enough to have another child after losing one.
I also wanted to say how thankful I am for the support you all have given me. For the patience you have shown me. Some people would get ‘bored’ with us or not understand the complex emotions, maybe even thinking that we would be instantly ‘ok’ once we were pregnant. Thank you for caring about us xx
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